What is "Good Sex"?

What is good sex? Instead of answering the question with a list of dogmatic rules and regulations, I’d like to describe good sex in terms of seven spiritual or "New Age" principles.

1. Let's start by combining three closely related spiritual principles. Good sex is an ideal blend of being and doing. It’s the optimal blend of action and surrender. It’s a balanced combination of giving and receiving.

2. Good sex is anchored in the now. It’s not defined by past traumas, or memories of past lovers, or the sadness of lost love. The best sex is in the here and now, and it requires presence. Some people dissociate while engaged in sex, or they think about someone other than their partner, or think about their to-do list as they wait for it to be over. When you dissociate, sex becomes mechanistic.

3. Good sex is communion, it’s the intermingling of souls. It’s interpenetration. It’s a sharing of power, that is, it’s power with, not power over. This is intimacy, and there can be no true intimacy without vulnerability or while the partners are wearing masks.

4. As with all peak experiences, set and setting are crucial. The concept of set and setting comes out of research done in the 1960s into the spiritual properties of psychedelic drugs, in particular LSD, but I think it applies here as well. Set is short for mindset, and it refers to your internal state of mind. And setting is external. If you’re uncomfortable in either set or setting, sex will not be good for you.

5. Good sex recognizes that everything is energy, and that the sexual encounter is an opportunity for the creative comingling of energies. That is, good sex is an act of creation. It taps into your body’s creative energy centers, in particular the second and fifth chakras. What you generate is up to you. It can be procreation, but that’s just one form of creation. It can also be joy, pleasure, shared memories, and so on. And because it’s about energetic exchange, any sense of domination, or ownership, or power over, or selfish needs, diminishes the goodness of the encounter.

6. Good sex requires informed consent and respect for personal autonomy and boundaries. It demands respect for the rule that no means no. From the spiritual perspective, good sex embraces the namaste principle, the notion that your divine essence recognizes and respects the divine essence of whomever you connect with.

Notice that there’s noting in what I’ve said so far demanding that good sex be between two people who are married to each other. I haven’t said it must be a man and a woman. Or that it must be two people of the same race. Or that it must be exactly two people, no more, no less. Or anything else of the sort. If those traditional guidelines are ones you’d like to embrace for yourself, that’s awesome. I think it’s crucial for everyone to define their own sexual guidelines. That’s how you set your boundaries. And if you haven’t ever defined your sexual boundaries, how can you expect other people to figure out what they are? You have autonomy and you’re free to define your sex life as you please.

But this brings us to the seventh spiritual principle:

7. Live and let live. This is the principle of detachment, of allowing. It's awareness that we live in a universe of multiplicity, and that what’s good for you is not necessarily good for everyone else. Demanding that other people live their lives based on what you think is right for you is spiritual narcissism. It’s dogmatism, not spirituality. Actually a better name for this principle is probably live and let live, within reason, and for the maximum good of everyone. The principle of allowing does not mean you must look the other way if you see a man beating his girlfriend. What it means is that within the context of a broader community, you’re free to define what’s in your best interest, and you allow others to do the same for themselves.